If only words could cure

Well, today I was going to start exploring the book of Ephesians but as I started reading my daily Proverbs I found so much in the first few verses I though I would stop there and just really concentrate on those. 

I wrote in my last blog that my marriage is doing better - and it is! Much better than before I moved up here but the sexual tension is absolutely gone. Now granted, I had a baby only a few months ago, had to have some surgery and have had some other issues as well but it's more than that, the desire for me is just gone. Now I know that a huge part of that is hormones but still,.. can't there be something? I think for me it is more about my image. The fears that I am not enough. I know in the past I have actually apologized to Rob for not looking like I did when he married me almost 4 years ago.... silly, I know but I feel horrible about it. Rob has started wanting to "help" me get my body back but I'm not sure if it's because he knows I really want it back or because he doesn't like it either - or a little of both. I couldn't imagine looking at my body and being attracted to it - especially when he loves working out and is often around other girls that do too. 

The first couple verses of Proverbs 15 talk about your words, your mouth, your tongue. Yesterday I was really struggling with the way I look. I know, just tell me to get off my butt and do something about it; stop making excuses, etc... and TRUST ME - I tell myself this daily, in fact, probably hourly. anyhow, somewhere in my self-image struggle I ran across a picture of a girl that Rob had a short term attraction interest in not too long ago and it really broke me down. He often will see a really skinny girl and say, "she needs to eat" or we joke about blonde headed women being the devil - well - this girl is both. She is blonde AND super skinny. In the back of my mind all I can think is that he IS attracted to that thin look,... the look that I USED to have when he met me. He says I'm beautiful but i know it's only because he thinks I need to hear it. How could he possibly be attracted to this stretched out scared up mess that I am now? Writing it literally brings me to tears. Now, is Eli worth it? YES. I love my baby boy and wouldn't change a thing. He is healthy and happy and that's all that matters but in the same since when Rob slips and I see who he really thinks is attractive it breaks me. We have mentioned marital counseling but haven't gone and quite frankly I'm not sure that the mental damage that has already been done (not only by him but by myself) will ever be repairable. And to me - knowing his thoughts - that is why my sexual desire for him is vacant. 

Back to the verses... what I mostly pulled from them was that I do need to be careful of not saying hurtful things. Yesterday when Rob got home I didn't tell him what I was struggling with because I'm sure he's so tired of hearing about me feeling crappy about myself and about what he's done in the past to hurt me, etc... so I decided I should just keep my mouth shut and sleep it off, not that I woke up feeling any better. I think he knew something was wrong but I brushed it off to be being tired - which I REALLY am and probably plays a part in this all too. At the same time though I can't always brush things off and keep silent; these things are important and need to be communicated. I just get so tired of trying. 

So for today - I am going to do my best to not only say nice things to Rob, but to myself as well. It's hard to tell myself I'm pretty when I feel  so huge and unkept but I know it's important and will make a difference in the long run!

"It's not about how you look, but rather how you see."

B is for BLESSINGS!

It has been far too long since I have posted. I have not stopped my devotions and I honestly don't know why I stopped blogging them. When I came across this blog I was surprised to see it! I have to admit that I forgot about its very existence. Needless to say, I found my old posts refreshing and loved seeing how much has happened since! Now to update - hang on cause it will probably get lengthy - and photo crunched! :)

So much has gone on since my last post. Heartaches, heartbreaks, large and small accomplishments/achievements and many, many blessings! 

First I have to say that after moving to our new location our marriage took a turn for the better! I'm not sure what clicked, what changed or what was different but things just got better! I don't know if it was a change of work atmosphere for Rob, a change of my heart or change of Rob's or just God answering my prayers but things got better. Rob has always been my best friend but as posted previously things were rough. Now he is more than a best friend! We are still working on the romance/spark in the relationship but it's come SO far! I couldn't be more blessed to have him as my husband!
 
As excited as I am about my marriage bringing in more sunshine I would have to say my biggest blessing is that of a child! After many losses and struggles with infertility we were blessed with the huge news of being pregnant on October 17, 2011 with it officially confirmed with a solid heartbeat on November 7. I swore I wouldn't cry but with the sound of each beat that played across the monitor broke me down into tears. While looking at our little living seed I instantly fell in love. 

 Only a week later we were notified that the chance of miscarrying this little bean was high. I had a large subchorionic hemorrhage detaching the placenta from the uterine wall and the Dr. very gently tried to advise and prepare us for the worse. 

A few days later I thought for sure I was losing baby. I was told to drink lots of fluids, rest and keep my feet elevated. Every single time I used the restroom I prayed and dreaded the worse. I have to admit, my prayer life became stronger than it had ever been. I seemed as if I prayed nonstop around the clock out of worry and love. 

Since I was high risk to begin with I had a lot of checkups. So one week later I went yet again to check on our little peanut - this time we saw our baby swim around a little and learned that the hemorrhage was starting to absorb and clear out on its own! Finally, this one may be our first little living angel! We went through the weeks watching what we soon learned was a HIM grow! Felt the kicks, watched his movements.....


AND ......

at 5:50 on June 19, 2012 Elijah Stephen Auman came into our lives! A healthy 8lb 14oz and 21" long! 
 
Labor was what I guess I thought it would be except that I was induced due to the show of late term preeclampsia and was put on Magnesium which made me feel flu-ish and made me stuck to bed. To top it off, my epidural didn't take sooooo labor was very real. But when I think about past miscarriages and the pains that I bore with those I honestly can say that I know it hurt and the pain was very real and just as intense but the end product took it all away!  

All in all, he is worth all the pregnancy scares, aches, pains, sicknesses and labor.  We were blessed to be able to carry full term and deliver an amazingly healthy baby boy. 
I was riding in the back seat with him just the other day (over 6 months old now) and he started laughing (that adorable deep belly laugh) when I would whisper to him. Tears of pure joy and love started leaking from my eyes. I just can't help it - having something to love THAT much will do it to you!

 














He's growing fast - smiling, laughing, "talking", rolling, reaching, grabbing, teething, eating "solids", trying to master crawling... some stages fun, others that I'm glad to see go. I call him my miracle baby. He came out alert and strong and I believe he is truly a fighter. His daddy has so many plans for him. There are so many things we wish and want for him in his future as do most parents I would imagine. We want him to know God at an early age, to be strong, smart (book and common sense), musically inclined, athletic.... all the good stuff! :)


Sometimes we just have to wait. I cried many tears over lost babies, prayed many prayers for Eli and babies hopefully to come. No mom wants to lose a baby or go through sicknesses or surgeries or anything like that with their babies but something God has taught me       through it all is Patience. 

I'm not a very patient person at all - I'm a control freak really. I want things done my way and on my timeline. When it comes to my healthy and pregnancies it just wasn't possible to be in charge. As strange as it sounds, I was sitting with Rob in church, a special service they had for his grandma because she was one of the longest going members they had and a group came and the whole service was singing. I can't tell you the name of the song that was being sung but peace flooded my body and the whispered words "You're ready" kept repeating in my head and I did everything I could to fight back the warm tears stinging my eyes. It was only a few weeks later that we found out we were expecting. I grew up hearing about that "still, small voice" but had never heard it that strongly before and let me just say - it is amazing.

Moving forward - (I could brag on my adorable baby ALL day long) - things after Eli are definitely a change. I am not working, I stay home to take care of Eli and it's been a challenge. Some days I feel alone. Some days - when the most exciting thing is the color of Eli's poopy diaper - I feel like I'm losing my passions and identity but deep down I absolutely LOVE being a stay home mom and know how blessed I am to have that option. My relationship with God... well, I can't say I pray as much as I did when the scare of losing Eli was a reality but I'm not a complete heathen either! :)

Today I was reading Proverbs 10 and although I finished the chapter and I wanted to stop at verse 1: "

A wise son makes a glad father, But a foolish son is the grief of his mother." Yup - you guessed it - more baby talk! :) Earlier I mentioned that I pray for Eli to be wise. It goes SO much beyond being book smart. I hope that we are able to rear Eli in a way that allows him to make good decisions and be able to learn from the bad decisions that he will end up making. I also know that with every child will come a day of heartache, but my prayer be that Eli and I will never have a relationship broken beyond repair! 

I also randomly chose Psalm 77 and it appropriately talked about crying to God with your woes. It asked if God had forgotten them, if He was angry, if His promises were broken. There are SO  many times that I can relate with this - asking God why or is He there. Wondering why He would let certain things happen. After that it praised God, spoke of His greatness and power. Reading through it I realized that it's ok to ask questions; it's ok to wonder why - as long as we have faith. Faith in the powers of God. Faith in his love and mercies because one day you may hear that still small voice of God saying "You're Ready."

Baby Why's

Well, it's been a few days since I last wrote. Not because I forgot or because I quit, only because my sister was able to come down for the week and we stayed so busy. It was so great being able to spend time with her. I have missed her in my life as my sister and friend and am so glad we have those things back now. The older I get the more her and I become alike. Everything from bad luck, healthy problems and life issues we carry the same but it is so nice to have someone that can relate.

Tonight I am really struggling with wondering why? Wondering why God won't let me have a baby. We have been trying now for a year with several miscarriages and no great outcome. A friend of mine who met a guy around six months ago, moved in with him three months ago and called me on Sunday telling me that she's pregnant and they are getting married in June. Am I happy for her? Sure. Do i think it's wise? NOT AT ALL. But what kind of friend would I be if I cut her out of my life or was rude to her because of it. It's happened and there is no going back. If she was married and in a better financial and physical state to actually take care of a baby I would definitely be more excited for her but I fear she hardly knows this guy and can only pray for her and hope the best.

The tears and pain came later when I was talking to my husband asking him why? Why can she get pregnant as well as others who aren't where they need to or should be? Why, when I'm doing the best I've done in my life, living right, married and ready can I not get pregnant? I know it's not my place to judge her and I'm not. It just hurts. I am excited/nervous/anxious about seeing the infertility specialist on Thursday this week. I am afraid of what he may tell me but trying to stay positive and hopeful that there is a treatment and an answer.

I know God has a reason for everything, but the not knowing part is SO hard. I know He has a master plan and if He is not allowing me to get pregnant or stay pregnant than there is a reason. I know that I need to hand it over to Him but in reality that is so much easier said than done. I am trying but still find worry in my heart.

As far as what I read... tonight I read Proverbs 26 and a lot of the verses talked about how we as humans return to our sins. Being honest, I am SO guilty of this. It is hard to fight the flesh. I have in the past (and still struggle to this day and probably will for the rest of my life) struggle with knowing something is wrong but not having a strong enough will and mind to turn and walk away. Satan knows exactly which avenue to catch you on or in and he will use it! I find that I am always having to ask God for forgiveness. Most of the times I do not feel worthy enough to even be forgiven. I honestly don't do the sin thinking that God has to or will forgive me. I become weak and cave to the sin then ask for forgiveness.

Even with this "baby fever" I wonder if my past sins are the reason I cannot have what I really want now. Is this my punishment? I talked to my mom earlier and she told me that she used to feel the same way but those thoughts are just Satan trying to get me to doubt the power of God and place fear and bitterness in my mind and heart. I want to believe that is true but in a way, I would deserve that as a punishment for all the sins I have committed. I just pray that God doesn't punish my husband because of my sins. Everyone has a past. Have I repented? Yes. But do I think that means I'm judgment free? - I don't feel so. I know God is merciful but there has to be a point where He's had enough and has to prove a lesson. But maybe I am way wrong? I hope so.

I do love God and am sorry for my sins. I guess my prayer now doesn't need to be for forgiveness for past sins but the strength to move on and let go of them myself. Forgive myself, love God more and live in the present and make every day better for the future.

Broken Pipes and Angry Bears

Ok! So it's been a few days since my last post - but I had an amazing weekend with my husband and started to feel the spark of love that I have been praying daily for. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, but that spark and fire seemed to just be missing for a while now and I miss it. I want to love him with that giddy, energetic love like I used to. Life has handed us so much in the short two years we've been together and we've managed to work our way through it now I just want to find a way to get the "youth" of love back!

Speaking of struggles or trials... so it is always one thing after another. On the way home Rob called me stating that he was going to be late because a tire on the car blew and then when he checked the other side it was just as bad. Ugh. So I knew new tires were in line for the weekend. Money signs started flashing before my eyes. :( With me not working right now while I finish school money stays pretty tight so when things like this happen it bothers me and I start to stress out. Well, Rob got home safe - most important - and we got to spend time together. Saturday after school I stopped to get the mail and when I opened an envelope from our Energy company it was a check for almost three hundred dollars. It said since we had been faithfully paying our bill on time our deposit money (including interest) was given back to us! WHAT A BLESSING! Tires covered!

Sunday, we had our friend over to drop his dog off so I can watch her for a few days while he is out in the field training. We asked him to help us with a part on our fan in the spare bedroom and when Rob walked in he called me in.. he said it smelled musty. Well, we had found a water spot before in the closet from what we thought was water getting out of the tub when we showered, but we resealed everything and changed the curtain to one that stayed against the wall to keep water in - so we thought it had been fixed. Well, when I pulled the tubs away, the carpet was soaked! The floor boards were expanded and ruined by water - stained with mold. :( We called our Realtor and she said that she had placed our home under a home warranty when we signed on with her (she's amazing) and that we could call them. We called immediately and they said it would be covered with our only having to pay a $100 deductible. Within a few hours a man called us and said he could be over in the morning. He came over, cut a hole in the wall, fixed the problem and was gone! Our Realtor called back to check how it was going and also let us know we could come pick up our $100 due diligence check for the contract on our house. Deposit paid for!!! We do have a huge hole to fix now - but still - what a blessing!

Last weekend when I was at Rob's parents house on spring break we were out getting dinner and a man can up to the car asking for food or money because his family was out on the streets and was heading to the dumpster behind the grocery store to look for food. We did not have cash or food and told him so. I saw the lady and her LITTLE kids heading with a cart behind the store. Rob dropped me off to pick up something from the store while he ran across the street to pick up our food. I finished my shopping and had time so I went into the grocery store next to where I was and picked up some apples, bananas, crackers, nuts and water. What is ten dollars worth of food, right? When I went outside Rob had just pulled around, I walked over to where the family was and handed them the bags of food and got back in the vehicle. Rob just smiled because he had said he felt a tug in his heart as well and when he picked up his pizza he ordered extra bread and gave them hot bread. We smiled because our hearts were in tune.

Now I believe in "karma" be it with how the world spins or the spiritual aspect,.. but I do. I'm not sure if we were blessed because we were able to be a blessing or because I've finally started breaking down the barriers between me and God and it was His way of showing that He will provide for His children when we seek Him.... whatever it may have been - I could smile all weekend knowing that we had been truly blessed.

As for my devotions:

Yesterday I read Proverbs 17-18. I simply realized this... there is no one specific topic. It jumps from topic to topic. Talks about children to parents, fathers, grandfathers, wisdom, fools, sinners, spirits,... so many things! It is hard to read a whole chapter at a time, there is SO much to gain from every verse!

One verse that REALLY stood out for some reason though was 17:12 "Let a bear robbed of her whelps meet a man, rather than a fool in his folly." - STRONG statement!!! I could not imagine coming across a bear in the woods, let a lone an angry momma bear! And here we are told that we would be better off meeting an angry mom bear separated from her cubs than be a fool meeting his foolishness/sinner meeting up with his sin. And that is not to say what it would be for the fool to meet the judgment of his folly! Gives great motivation!

Today I read Proverbs 19. It talked a lot about the rich and poor. A verse that stood out to my prior story was that those who give to the poor the Lord will return what was given. Another verse that really stood out to me as more of a promise, and a good one to memorize when times of trials may arise is verse 23:
"The fear of the LORD tendeth to life: and he that hath it shall abide satisfied; he shall not be visited with evil."

Fearing the Lord to me, does not mean to live in fear. Rather it means that we must strive to know Him and His ways. Respect Him. Know His Power but also know His love.

Fat Bones

So my thoughts this morning are in a little bit more of a positive light I guess. I am not feeling like running away and never looking back or walking into the ocean and never walking back out. I know that's a bit morbid, but if everyone is honest with themselves I think they have been in the same place at least once in their lives before and for those who say they have never thought about ending their lives?- Well, it makes me wonder if either their life is so bad they have to lie to themselves or I must misunderstand everything I have ever observed and learned in life.

My issue I really need to work with today, this week and probably for the rest of my life is my negativity. I never used to be this way, why now? I have no idea. Maybe it's because I've gained so much weight and am so unhappy in my own self but in all honesty I think it is just because my heart has not been in the right place. I've never been "skinny" in my life so maybe those few years I was "skinny" was just a fluke and now i've settled into who I'll be for the rest of my life and just need to get over the vanity of my looks and worry a whole lot more about my heart. (SO much easier said than done!) But my negativity does not only affect me it has affected my husband of which I am truly sorry. He has been so patient with me and so many times I have seen in his face the frustration of my negative comments towards him. I am SO blessed to have him, and I know this, but for some reason it is so much easier to tell him what he is doing wrong versus what good things he has done. I harp on him about positive reinforcement, yet I can't conquer it with him myself. I know men need praise. Men need to feel wanted and loved. I have failed in those departments lately and I wish I could take it back, but since we all know that there is no time capsule or magic flowers to take back words or time, I can only try to make today better and tomorrow even greater.

In my little devotional book it was talking about some of God's promises about our minds. How if we allow the spirit in our minds we will have life and peace(Rom. 8:6). Also how God searches our minds to try to find reasons to bless us (Jer. 17:10). And the most comforting one to me right now is how when we seek God we will find Him (I Chron. 28:9).

I also read Proverbs 15 and here are some of the things I pulled out of it that I needed most:

• What is in our heart is what is seen by others as our lives
• Tactfulness shows wisdom
• It's better to be poor with love than rich with hatred

And this verse I will quote only because as I read it, I could only laugh!

Prov. 15:30
The light of the eyes rejoiceth the heart: and a good report maketh the bones fat.

A Child not Rejected

As I laid in bed last night and started falling asleep, or maybe I was even fully asleep and dreamed this, I'm not sure but I remember being on one side of a sliding glass door and knowing God was on the other. When I tried to speak to Him, He could not hear me. When I tried to reach out for Him the door was in my way. These words would appear in fog on the window, some I would even write. The words that appeared would soon be wiped away, but when I tried to wipe away the words I had written they would not disappear. I soon realized it was because those words were the things I was holding on to and did not have the power to release on my own. The words being written on the other side were things God put in my life and erased in His time.

Through all of this there was still the simple problem of the door being between me and God. It was not locked with keys I did not have. It was not a special door only God could open. All I had to do was want for the door to be open and open it. To me it showed me that I am putting obstacles in my own life that are greatly unnecessary. God does hear me. God does forgive me. And God's forgiveness is as simple as Him writing on a glass door and them wiping it clean - gone forever.

Maybe that's an extremely strange scenario or illustration, but I laid in bed and it all made things clear to me in another light. Yesterday I felt like there was much more between God and me than only a glass door. I felt like I was in a brick room with extra thick brick ceilings.

In my devotions this morning (I'm using a book I bought a while ago) I read a verse, Romans 1:28. In context it talks about wicked men who ignored the knowledge of God and lived in full blown sin without care. I was asked what will happen if we ignore the knowledge of God. In this passage it says God gave them to a reprobate mind meaning God rejected them. I did a little research and in Jeremiah 6:30 is tells of men being compared to reprobate silver. When silver cannot be refined it is worthless and rejected. Same thing goes for these wicked men. God saw they rejected Him so to God these men were worthless and were rejected.

Now to me, this is a scary thought -that God would really reject any person. But in my own mind and heart this was not directed towards believers and those who are truly saved. Yes, the saved can backslide from God, but there are many promises in the Bible that clearly state God will not turn His back on His children. We are the ones that turn from Him. He just patiently waits for our return. This does not mean we should not fear Him or that we cannot or will not be judged. It just means that we cannot lose our salvation and will not be rejected from God's family.

So it simply left me with this - I am a child of God and a child of God can never be worthless.

Skeletal Spirit

I am starting this blog for simply for me. I am not writing this blog or post for anyone other than me. If people do find this and read it I hope in some way it can help them.

All day I have been bothered by the question... "why?" Why am I from a broken home? Why do I have to be the one with all these health problems? Why does life constantly seem to deal me bad hands? Why can't I love my husband the way I should? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have children? Why do I always feel so fake? Why?......

I struggle so badly telling the difference between: Is this a test? Is this an attack from Satan? But today, I think for me, personally, after tears being shed and so many questions were let upward I finally stopped to listen.

- God just wants me back. -

In the past year God has not been my constant. I have been struggling and fighting so hard for happiness, health and satisfaction and, sure, along the way, I've prayed, I've asked for God's help but my actions have never met those prayers. I tell my husband all the time that he can tell me that he loves me all day long but I need to see it because words are easily spoken - it's the actions that really matter. I have not put my faith into actions and have turned my back on God. I didn't have the attitude that I could do it on my own, but I only seemed to go to God when I really needed something and when I did that I found that I was telling myself that praying was a waste of time because I was so far away from God the prayers wouldn't get there anyways.

Now, don't get me wrong, through all the "bad" we have been so blessed - but I struggle thinking that those blessings were for me. I so often wonder if I am being judged for the sins of my past. Did I ever really repent deep enough? Is there a level of forgiveness? I know that my husband says that when he asks for forgiveness he can then just let it go and move on,.. but I struggle with that so badly. I feel like such a bad person. I don't feel like I deserve God's mercy and forgiveness let alone His love.

I want God back in my life. I know for me it has honestly never come easy. Some people make it look so easy - but for me - it's a daily thing I struggle with. I don't struggle with loving God or the want to have Him in my life. When I am in my deepest and darkest moments is when I really cry out but feel since I haven't given anything on my good days that it's not even going anywhere and give up - then feel SO alone. Why is prayer hard on the good days? It is easy to check my facebook every day, my email, texts and live a day in my everyday life without praying to the One who put me here and has every control over my life. Why is that? I have SO much to be thankful for and don't tell God nearly enough how grateful I really am.

Out of all of these questions, I know you can't answer them for me with the answers I need or want to hear. I know the answers. I know God forgives and casts our sins to the deepest parts of the seas. I know God is merciful. I know God never turns His back on His children.... I was raised memorizing, teaching, leading all the things and answers to all of these questions but when it comes to living it, it is so much harder - and through knowing all of these things - I still don't understand why I feel like I can't let go of things I truly did ask for forgiveness for and sins of my past. I feel like I don't deserve a good life. I don't deserve an amazing husband. I don't deserve to be allowed to have children. I have tried what I have been told - change your mindset - tell yourself you're beautiful, you're worth it, you will have what you think on. And that worked for a little while I guess until I realized today that that's not what it's all about. I know I can't live life telling myself I don't deserve things, but I think God does want us to realize that we are unworthy, because we are and He is the only answer.

So I went to my devotional book and Bible.

I read a few verses as well as Provers 13. Through my few verses I found a few significant things. In a contrast from a verse in Deut. to a verse in Hebrews, God told the people in the OT to memorize and write His words in their hearts. In the NT God says that He has placed His words and laws in our minds and hearts. Since we live in a time where we can not physically see God on earth we have to actually use our faith and put it into action.

In Romans I read 12:2 about it being important for us to have a sharp mind and intellect. Why? Because when we lose sight of God we become blinded, weak and it is dangerous. To keep our minds sharp is to keep us safe. It will keep us alert to Satan's attack and one day prepared for the final battle.

In the daily Proverbs: I have read through Proverbs MANY times, but today really took time to slow down with it. Every verse has SO much instruction and wisdom! It is broken down for us and made me realize how simple life could be if we just followed the manual God left for us, His word. It breaks down differences between the wise/foolish; rich/poor... even the fit/unfit.