I wrote in my last blog that my marriage is doing better - and it is! Much better than before I moved up here but the sexual tension is absolutely gone. Now granted, I had a baby only a few months ago, had to have some surgery and have had some other issues as well but it's more than that, the desire for me is just gone. Now I know that a huge part of that is hormones but still,.. can't there be something? I think for me it is more about my image. The fears that I am not enough. I know in the past I have actually apologized to Rob for not looking like I did when he married me almost 4 years ago.... silly, I know but I feel horrible about it. Rob has started wanting to "help" me get my body back but I'm not sure if it's because he knows I really want it back or because he doesn't like it either - or a little of both. I couldn't imagine looking at my body and being attracted to it - especially when he loves working out and is often around other girls that do too.
The first couple verses of Proverbs 15 talk about your words, your mouth, your tongue. Yesterday I was really struggling with the way I look. I know, just tell me to get off my butt and do something about it; stop making excuses, etc... and TRUST ME - I tell myself this daily, in fact, probably hourly. anyhow, somewhere in my self-image struggle I ran across a picture of a girl that Rob had a short term attraction interest in not too long ago and it really broke me down. He often will see a really skinny girl and say, "she needs to eat" or we joke about blonde headed women being the devil - well - this girl is both. She is blonde AND super skinny. In the back of my mind all I can think is that he IS attracted to that thin look,... the look that I USED to have when he met me. He says I'm beautiful but i know it's only because he thinks I need to hear it. How could he possibly be attracted to this stretched out scared up mess that I am now? Writing it literally brings me to tears. Now, is Eli worth it? YES. I love my baby boy and wouldn't change a thing. He is healthy and happy and that's all that matters but in the same since when Rob slips and I see who he really thinks is attractive it breaks me. We have mentioned marital counseling but haven't gone and quite frankly I'm not sure that the mental damage that has already been done (not only by him but by myself) will ever be repairable. And to me - knowing his thoughts - that is why my sexual desire for him is vacant.
Back to the verses... what I mostly pulled from them was that I do need to be careful of not saying hurtful things. Yesterday when Rob got home I didn't tell him what I was struggling with because I'm sure he's so tired of hearing about me feeling crappy about myself and about what he's done in the past to hurt me, etc... so I decided I should just keep my mouth shut and sleep it off, not that I woke up feeling any better. I think he knew something was wrong but I brushed it off to be being tired - which I REALLY am and probably plays a part in this all too. At the same time though I can't always brush things off and keep silent; these things are important and need to be communicated. I just get so tired of trying.
So for today - I am going to do my best to not only say nice things to Rob, but to myself as well. It's hard to tell myself I'm pretty when I feel so huge and unkept but I know it's important and will make a difference in the long run!
"It's not about how you look, but rather how you see."
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