Baby Why's

Well, it's been a few days since I last wrote. Not because I forgot or because I quit, only because my sister was able to come down for the week and we stayed so busy. It was so great being able to spend time with her. I have missed her in my life as my sister and friend and am so glad we have those things back now. The older I get the more her and I become alike. Everything from bad luck, healthy problems and life issues we carry the same but it is so nice to have someone that can relate.

Tonight I am really struggling with wondering why? Wondering why God won't let me have a baby. We have been trying now for a year with several miscarriages and no great outcome. A friend of mine who met a guy around six months ago, moved in with him three months ago and called me on Sunday telling me that she's pregnant and they are getting married in June. Am I happy for her? Sure. Do i think it's wise? NOT AT ALL. But what kind of friend would I be if I cut her out of my life or was rude to her because of it. It's happened and there is no going back. If she was married and in a better financial and physical state to actually take care of a baby I would definitely be more excited for her but I fear she hardly knows this guy and can only pray for her and hope the best.

The tears and pain came later when I was talking to my husband asking him why? Why can she get pregnant as well as others who aren't where they need to or should be? Why, when I'm doing the best I've done in my life, living right, married and ready can I not get pregnant? I know it's not my place to judge her and I'm not. It just hurts. I am excited/nervous/anxious about seeing the infertility specialist on Thursday this week. I am afraid of what he may tell me but trying to stay positive and hopeful that there is a treatment and an answer.

I know God has a reason for everything, but the not knowing part is SO hard. I know He has a master plan and if He is not allowing me to get pregnant or stay pregnant than there is a reason. I know that I need to hand it over to Him but in reality that is so much easier said than done. I am trying but still find worry in my heart.

As far as what I read... tonight I read Proverbs 26 and a lot of the verses talked about how we as humans return to our sins. Being honest, I am SO guilty of this. It is hard to fight the flesh. I have in the past (and still struggle to this day and probably will for the rest of my life) struggle with knowing something is wrong but not having a strong enough will and mind to turn and walk away. Satan knows exactly which avenue to catch you on or in and he will use it! I find that I am always having to ask God for forgiveness. Most of the times I do not feel worthy enough to even be forgiven. I honestly don't do the sin thinking that God has to or will forgive me. I become weak and cave to the sin then ask for forgiveness.

Even with this "baby fever" I wonder if my past sins are the reason I cannot have what I really want now. Is this my punishment? I talked to my mom earlier and she told me that she used to feel the same way but those thoughts are just Satan trying to get me to doubt the power of God and place fear and bitterness in my mind and heart. I want to believe that is true but in a way, I would deserve that as a punishment for all the sins I have committed. I just pray that God doesn't punish my husband because of my sins. Everyone has a past. Have I repented? Yes. But do I think that means I'm judgment free? - I don't feel so. I know God is merciful but there has to be a point where He's had enough and has to prove a lesson. But maybe I am way wrong? I hope so.

I do love God and am sorry for my sins. I guess my prayer now doesn't need to be for forgiveness for past sins but the strength to move on and let go of them myself. Forgive myself, love God more and live in the present and make every day better for the future.