I am starting this blog for simply for me. I am not writing this blog or post for anyone other than me. If people do find this and read it I hope in some way it can help them.
All day I have been bothered by the question... "why?" Why am I from a broken home? Why do I have to be the one with all these health problems? Why does life constantly seem to deal me bad hands? Why can't I love my husband the way I should? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have children? Why do I always feel so fake? Why?......
I struggle so badly telling the difference between: Is this a test? Is this an attack from Satan? But today, I think for me, personally, after tears being shed and so many questions were let upward I finally stopped to listen.
- God just wants me back. -
In the past year God has not been my constant. I have been struggling and fighting so hard for happiness, health and satisfaction and, sure, along the way, I've prayed, I've asked for God's help but my actions have never met those prayers. I tell my husband all the time that he can tell me that he loves me all day long but I need to see it because words are easily spoken - it's the actions that really matter. I have not put my faith into actions and have turned my back on God. I didn't have the attitude that I could do it on my own, but I only seemed to go to God when I really needed something and when I did that I found that I was telling myself that praying was a waste of time because I was so far away from God the prayers wouldn't get there anyways.
Now, don't get me wrong, through all the "bad" we have been so blessed - but I struggle thinking that those blessings were for me. I so often wonder if I am being judged for the sins of my past. Did I ever really repent deep enough? Is there a level of forgiveness? I know that my husband says that when he asks for forgiveness he can then just let it go and move on,.. but I struggle with that so badly. I feel like such a bad person. I don't feel like I deserve God's mercy and forgiveness let alone His love.
I want God back in my life. I know for me it has honestly never come easy. Some people make it look so easy - but for me - it's a daily thing I struggle with. I don't struggle with loving God or the want to have Him in my life. When I am in my deepest and darkest moments is when I really cry out but feel since I haven't given anything on my good days that it's not even going anywhere and give up - then feel SO alone. Why is prayer hard on the good days? It is easy to check my facebook every day, my email, texts and live a day in my everyday life without praying to the One who put me here and has every control over my life. Why is that? I have SO much to be thankful for and don't tell God nearly enough how grateful I really am.
Out of all of these questions, I know you can't answer them for me with the answers I need or want to hear. I know the answers. I know God forgives and casts our sins to the deepest parts of the seas. I know God is merciful. I know God never turns His back on His children.... I was raised memorizing, teaching, leading all the things and answers to all of these questions but when it comes to living it, it is so much harder - and through knowing all of these things - I still don't understand why I feel like I can't let go of things I truly did ask for forgiveness for and sins of my past. I feel like I don't deserve a good life. I don't deserve an amazing husband. I don't deserve to be allowed to have children. I have tried what I have been told - change your mindset - tell yourself you're beautiful, you're worth it, you will have what you think on. And that worked for a little while I guess until I realized today that that's not what it's all about. I know I can't live life telling myself I don't deserve things, but I think God does want us to realize that we are unworthy, because we are and He is the only answer.
So I went to my devotional book and Bible.
I read a few verses as well as Provers 13. Through my few verses I found a few significant things. In a contrast from a verse in Deut. to a verse in Hebrews, God told the people in the OT to memorize and write His words in their hearts. In the NT God says that He has placed His words and laws in our minds and hearts. Since we live in a time where we can not physically see God on earth we have to actually use our faith and put it into action.
In Romans I read 12:2 about it being important for us to have a sharp mind and intellect. Why? Because when we lose sight of God we become blinded, weak and it is dangerous. To keep our minds sharp is to keep us safe. It will keep us alert to Satan's attack and one day prepared for the final battle.
In the daily Proverbs: I have read through Proverbs MANY times, but today really took time to slow down with it. Every verse has SO much instruction and wisdom! It is broken down for us and made me realize how simple life could be if we just followed the manual God left for us, His word. It breaks down differences between the wise/foolish; rich/poor... even the fit/unfit.
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